Better to marry than to Burn?
“Who wants that perfect love story anyway, anyway Cliché, cliché, cliché, cliché
Who wants that hero love that saves the day, anyway Cliché, cliché, cliché, cliché”
~ Jay Z & Beyonce
I was in an innocent love that was misunderstood but I stayed by God’s grace. The more I hurt, the more I felt the Lord telling me that I would be rewarded in the end though.
Why do people get married? Some for love and some just because. When we make that decision to say “Yes”, we don’t really understand what we’re saying yes to. I said yes because I was the black girl that was always teased. I was the last choice in school when people were picking boyfriends and girlfriends, so this was my time to shine.
I did at least love him and the way my mind runs, I was expeditiously planning the wedding in my head. The wedding was literally under 3 months from the time he asked me to the time we said, “I do”. I never expected the perfect love story, but I had no clue what I had just done to my life. I was in no way shape or form prepared for the things that were getting ready to come.
We married young because we were into the church and the bible says it’s better to marry than to burn, but is it?
My husband was amazing as a boyfriend. He wasn’t perfect but he introduced me to so many great experiences and was very romantic. He would pick me up from work and after a few minutes tell me to open the glove box where there would be a nice gift. I would come home for work and roses would be on my bed. Every Sunday after church, he took me to a new restaurant. I had never been anywhere like this.
Those were the dating days though. Marriage and family moved quickly because 1 month after the wedding, I found out I was 2 months pregnant. Oh, we didn’t stop there though. Another baby came about 11 months after for the next 2 years. We had 3 stairstep children within 3 years of marriage. There was never a honeymoon stage. We didn’t get a chance to enjoy one another as married adults before the additions.
I would often say we were roommates. We went with the motions of everyday life. We woke up, got the kids together, went to work, came home and went to bed. While typing this, I couldn’t help stopping to think of how our intimacy was during that time. We must've just had intercourse because I can’t remember any real emotions behind it. Better yet, I can’t even imagine when we did, how it started or how it ended. We were just there because we had to be.
We tried Marriage counseling on several occasions, attended a Marriage Boot Camp and have indulged in marriage books and seminars. These are actions of people who are struggling but working. I’m a believer that some marriage mishaps can be avoided but you must be willing to work for it.
I’ve been married 13 years and I hated my husband for 10 years and 10 months. Yes, you heard that right. I struggled with low self-esteem, insecurities, defensiveness, unforgiveness and much more. Becoming someone's wife does not change those things. I know people say your spouse is supposed to make you feel like a queen, but I say, they can try all they want but if you don’t feel it, it won't matter. You must first deal with your baggage before you add the extras.
I felt unloved and unwanted. I always had this feeling that he married me to do the right thing but that he regretted it and felt trapped. He never said it and he did a good job kind of hiding it but sometimes feelings are stronger than actions. 10 years in, I would learn that that women’s intuition I always had about him was real. During that learning process, there was a shift in our marriage. We were both released from so much that we had been holding.
Communication that has always been a problem, came to us much easier. The 5 love languages were that we learned prior in the marriage seemed to finally manifest. Random acts of kindness, physical touch, words of affirmations, quality time and gift giving have brought us to a great season of marriage. Fast forward to year 13 and baby…. I am on cloud nine. I am soooo in love with this man and yearn to be with him all the time. Our sex life is AMAZING and I feel bad for the both of us because we’ve been missing out on some good loving LOL.
5 Pointers for Marriage
Before the marriage, get pre-marital counseling or coaching.
Understand that marriage is not about the celebration but about a life-long commitment.
Don’t lose the spark! Continue to date one another after the wedding.
Don’t compare your marriage to others. Everyone has a different story.
Don’t give up! Seek help when things get rough
It is better to marry than to burn but it’s even better when you have the proper pre-marital teaching, training and support. If you’ve passed that step, no worries, I’m here to help pull you through any pain. If you are preparing and want additional support, I’m here to help you avoid some of the common mistakes and if you have the perfect love story, there is always great information to be had.
~ Robin L. Burrus
Follow Robin @robinlatice
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